I’m not sure when I left the church– not really. It was certainly long before I stopped attending services with a local congregation and my steady decline in volunteer engagement there. Losing faith is not a singular event, at least not for me. With hindsight, it dissolved in pieces, a slow loss over a long history of hurts with little of the promised rewards- stronger faith, greater peace, joy unspeakable and full of glory. With each occasion another bit flaked away: the latest esteemed theologian to be embroiled in a scandal; passages of scripture used to reinforce your shame; a friend’s fear to come out and be fully themselves at the cost of losing their community. Another piece, then another, and another, until you’re finally left with the stark realization that you’re not sure if you truly believed at all.
The difference between believing and wanting to believe is small, but it is everything. And I only ever wanted to.
The strangest thing about leaving the faith is the number of people it hurts. It’s received one of two ways– akin to a suicide (“what could we have done to keep them here?”) or confirmation that the stray sheep never believed in the first place (“they must not have truly been saved.”) Occasionally you will find those who choose to hope that the offender will eventually return if their faith was ever real. You’ll notice that in none of these responses is the deserter consulted on their feelings or experiences. I spoke with one of my pastors as I chose to leave, and was uncommonly lucky to be met with sensitivity and kindness over my struggle with belief, but I know that’s not the norm. I’ve been exploring my faith outside the bounds of the church and Christianity for well over a year now, but hesitated to share it with others, preemptively exhausted by the thought of being the object of the misplaced concern and pity of others, of fielding messages and replies trying to talk me back, and of hurting parents who will doubtless see it as a personal failing.
One of the hallmarks of a brain rewired by trauma is an inability to form a concise story of the offending events. There’s no middle, no beginning, and certainly no end. It’s a perpetual sort of reliving punctuated by flashbacks and dissociative episodes. Of course you form a narrative to explain it to yourself and others, but it never feels quite right, never seems to make proper sense. As you seek help and begin to heal, you become a three-dimensional person again, discovering whole parts of yourself that you never knew existed. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in summer of 2021- in just a few months I stepped away from church. In a few more I re-evaluated my beliefs and began to explore expressions of spirituality that actually resonated with me. Shortly after that I embraced the fact that I’m not straight, but identify as pansexual. Each of these was a terrifying step. I’ve become the personified example heard across churches every Sunday morning, of that slippery slope into dissolution and sin. In reality I’m happier and healthier than I think I’ve ever been, living what feels closer to the truth than any years in church and Bible college gave me.
I’m not entirely sure how it’s anyone else’s business to take personal offense at or be wounded by my spirituality or the decisions I make surrounding it, but that’s one of the pernicious elements of the church– the theology that the personal, private affairs of someone’s life and soul are somehow your responsibility to manage and manipulate. I look back in horror at the ways I insinuated myself into the lives of others, the things I said about them, the times I centered myself and my feelings in their stories, all under the guise of “speaking the truth in love.” What is speaking truth or showing love if it denies someone’s inherent personhood, their identity, their deepest convictions?
If I described my spiritual practice now it wouldn’t matter to anyone that I still operate under the concept of the same deity, as none of what I do fits the rubric of their system of faith. I’m okay with that, because I suddenly find myself in a whole new world where I don’t have to constantly check myself against the prescriptions of others for validity. My beliefs can shift and change and reformulate without any fear of “doing it wrong” and an eventual pit of fire. After all that time, after all that doubt, I finally know what it is to be free indeed.